OH WELL

First sign of spotting was Monday night.

I'm still spotting this morning-my flow has graced me with full flow yet. Period limbo, alright.

I'm not that upset, fortunately. I had already come to terms with this outcome and was looking ahead to the next cycle. Which who knows when I will get to start*.

Because we're going to Vegas on Monday! Woo hoo!

I suppose there-in lies my silver lining. All the frozen alcoholized pink lemonade slushies my heart desires will be mine! ALL MINE. From dawn til the wee hours of the night! Watch out bartentder at the MGM/NY NY walkway entrance bar - HERE I COME!

I know! I know! What a fucking awesome perk! All you girls out there who are pregnant must be so jealous! Ok, maybe I am a little more upset than I am letting on.


*I have to wait for full flow to call my clinic to announce my return. And they will be so thrilled to see me! But... if I'm away for 5 days I wonder if they will let me cycle without being monitored. I'd really only be missing 2 monitoring days, and I pretty much know how my body responds to the pathetically low dose of Pur.egon I pump into it. However, regardless of my vacation, they may make me do 2 week stint of BCPs just to let my wonderful ovaries rest for a few weeks. Which would bring my next cycle's start to the end of March.

HALF WAY THERE

First order of business: Mazel Tov to Beth and Himself on the birth of Leah Catherine. If you don't want to cry, then I warn you: do not click.

Today marks 8DPO.

Other than the sore boobs (on which we have a concensous that their cause is ovulation) I have nothing in the vicinity of symptoms to report. Oh, andI'm exhausted (but let's attribute that to not sleeping!)

Un-e-vent-ful. Yes siree bob.

I wish this cycle would hurry up and end so that I can start my BCPs and prepare for the next one. Yes. I am completely positive that this time is a no-go. I'm not being a pessimist-just a realist. There is no way anything would want to grow in me with the mood I have been in and behaviour I have exhibited over the past week and a half. It's ok, I understand. So let's just hurry up and get on with it, already.

In other news there is no other news. It's Friday and I have yet to have a baby-related encounter, so it seems that I have broken that spell. Phew!! Though I have to say that the baby-related project that I am working on for last weeks's client is cuter than cute. One day I hope to make something like it for my newborn. One day... One day...

Tonight my neices (ages 8 and 10) are coming to sleep over and hang out all day tomorrow. I'm excited- they are so delicious, and will be a fun distraction. I love playing games with them, and they love to tell jokes and make up riddles. They always keep me laughing. I'm glad they're "old"; They were born at a time when the idea of children used to make The C and I laugh so hard that beer came out our noses.

Hey! I don't want to be a downer so I'm trying to think of things to post about while I wait out the rest of this 2ww. I'm taking suggestions for posts. I never did the weird thing about me tag-anyone interested in hearing about that? Or Mel's 2007 tag- something that I promised I would do in my previous 2ww. Which was in December! Wow! I can't believe it's almost March- where does the time go? That was rhetorical-you don't have to answer that. What you are assigned to do is propose some topics of blogging to me. So get on it!

(End of February, eh? buh-bye 2007 baby hopes.)

ALL AND SUNDRY

Or something like that.

I don't have much in the area of spectacularity to add to the blogging world these days. Yhis post will take the form of mini-topics as that's all I that I have to say.

Topic 1: Why my RE can't talk
In short: I don't know why. We were told at our first appointment in October (that's 4 months ago) that he had laryngitis. Which he apparently has yet to recover from. I think that there's obviously something more wrong. I have a number of feelings on this matter. First, as frustrating as it is for me not to have immediate feedback from him (I have to get the nurse in the room if I want to get any meaty info), it must be 1000 times more frustrating for him. Next, he is a wonderful doctor providing wonderful results for so many of his patients, yet he can't seem to fix what is wrong within himself. Finally, while sometimes I wish I were able to have more discussions with him directly, I found the one time that we had another docotr sit in on my ultrasound completely unnerving because he kept talking. I have become used to my efficient, silent wandings, and think that I like them. Life's funny that way: I adjusted to something I had no control of...

Topic 2: Yes, LutC, apparently I am capable of having more than one meltdown per cycle
Lut commented on my last post saying that I was doing pretty well if I freaked out only once per cycle. On suturday night I successfully upped that number to two. And I mean major freak-o-rama ville. Something completely unIF-related (asking my husband what setting he changed on my computer, and having him not give me a satisfactory answer,) became strictly about how fucked up and inadequate I am. I know! That's a big leap! But I was able the make a connection! Yelling, screaming, sobbing and hyperventalating ensued. And as usual, The C did not exactly know the right way to comfort me. I know if makes him sad to see me like this, but he doesn't always know how to help.

Topic 3: Hey! Great idea!
Maybe in some post in the near future I will invite you to give feedback on what we wish our partners would say and do when we are in such a state. But then again... I don't know... do any of you have perfect husbands who always know the right thing to say?

Topic 4: Fridays are baby days
This will be hard to do without revealing my line of work but I will give it a shot. (If I reveal my line of work anyone will be within steps of finding out my identity. Which of course I don't mind you guys knowing, but I would't want my clients to stuble here...) My industry is special events, and I deal mostly with weddings. The other day I got a call from a woman (referred to me by my aunt) who was looking for something baby-related. I didn't refuse the job becasue 1-this woman knows my aunt, and that was nice of my aunt to send her my way; and 2-I'm self-employed, so I take all the work I can get because I never know when the next job is coming. The clincher- she wanted me to come to her (my clients always come to me) because she didn't want to take her baby out. Which I understand, of course. So there I went into a baby-environment for the second Friday in a row. Granted, there was only one baby, and she was very premature (she's only 5.5lbs at 5 weeks), so I had great empathy and admiration for the mother, but still... how I wish that baby was mine!

Topic 5: The problem with sleep
I haven't been able to sleep for days (maybe verging on weeks.) I don't know why. My back is alwys hurting, I'm never comfortable, always too hot or too cold, The C to close or too far. So I lie awake and think, or have very light dreams that seem so close to being real. And I'm tired everyday.

Topic 5: 5DPO
Amidst my fit the other night it occurred to me that there is no way tha this cycle is going to work. What baby would want to grow in this pathetic environment anyways? (I know-enough of the slef-pity already!) So I'm pretty convinced on that front. Except that my nipples are hurting. But, of course, they hurt last cycle too. I am convinced that prior to starting injectibles I have never ovulated in my life. So maybe if I was normal my boobs hurting like this would be considered a PMS symptom. Can someone shed some light on this for me?

And in conclusion: Happy Monday to you all.

CD15 AND ALL IS WELL

... I guess.

I triggered this morning at 10:10. Two juicy follicles are present on my left side: 18mm and 18.5mm. Lining at 8.5mm. So all is well.

This cycle was pretty uneventful. I thought the increase in Fem.ara and Pur.egon would speed up the process, but I am only triggering one day ahead of last cycle. Ovulation is to occur tomorow night (or thereabouts). A CD16 O is not too shabby for an annovulatory chick, I suppose. I tell you: I can't wait to O, becasue, MAN, I can FEEL the follicles on my left side! It's amazing and uncomfortable all rolled up in one!

While the cycle was uneventful physically, emotionally I seemed to have brought out the big guns. I was pretty upset about Friday's visit to the babycafe, and I suffered the whole weekend long. My angst was brought to a head on Sunday night when I freaked out about the bullshit of IF, the shittiness of what PCO.S does to my body and the emotional effects that both are having on me. I sobbed for about three hours. I don't want to get back into it here, it's just too depressing. I just know that you guys "understand". It occured to me that once every medicated cycle I have a major freak out. Hormones, stress, pressure, hope, fear? I don't know. But it ain't pretty.

Et maintenant, la two week wait ce commence. Must plan stuff to keep myself busy. Anyone have any suggestions?

HITTING ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS

The past while I feel like I've been handling other peoples' baby stuff pretty well. Much better than I was in July and August when I got a torrent of pregnancy announcements. Recently those pregnancies have produced, umm, babies (thank God for healthy babies), and I am actually feeling ok.

Maybe it's because I haven't met any of the babies, maybe because I'm cycling right now, maybe it's because I have grown as a person (though I wouldn't put too much weight on that one.)

In all this okay-ness, yesterday I experienced a relapse.

My wonderful friend gave birth last week to her second little girl. My friend claims she has everything she needs-enough blankies, enough rattles, and cetainly enough pink onesies that the little one will grow out of faster than we can blink. (She was going batty with the all the gifts from her first baby, and had so much stuff that she never even used. Now she's got her chance, but people like to buy gifts, and she's still getting more!) So yes, I could have run into The G.ap and picked up the cutest little newborn extravagant gift possible, but I knew this would not cut it in the category of thoughtful baby gift from best friend. So instead I decided to order a pair of these. Man they are so delish. And certainly not something that can be handed down from baby's older sister. (If you need a gift, go to it. Support the commerce in my community!)

This product is made by a woman working at home. I thought the process would be simple. Email lady the baby's name, run over to her house to pick up shoes. Um. No. She preferred I picked up my merchandise at a local cafe that just opened. A cafe dedicated to mothers and babies. Star.bucks meets Gym.boree, meets Nail Salon, meets Yoga Studio, meets Natur.al Baby Pro.duct Boutique. All very modern, all very cool. Pretty much the type of place I would choose to hang out in, ummm, should I have the appropriate, er, accessory.

I took a deep breath and opened the door (and helped a woman with her stroller). It was first thing in the morning, so mercifully there were only 2 babies present. I enquired about my product, and was told that the woman who runs the boutique would not be in for another half an hour. Now, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT COMPELLED ME TO DO THIS, but I parked my butt on a chic leather sofa and decided to wait. I suppose in the same way one can't avert one's eyes when passing a car crash.

Throughout my half hour wait women arrived with their children. Pregnant women arrived with their babies. (Yes! Women who have obvioulsy been blessed twice in the time that I have been trying for one!) The owner told me all about their services and programs. Little ones toddled up to me and giggled. It was wonderful to see all this in a coffeshop, but it was tearing me up inside. It was some kind of cruel joke asking me to step into this place. I was just about at the point of letting the tears flow when the woman I had been waiting for walked through the door.

The rest of the day was a disaster for me. I couldn't work, I couldn't function. Just when I thought I was getting somewhere, a tons of bricks fell out of the sky and landed on my chest. It is so not ok that other people keep having babies and that I can't.

STIRRING THE POT A BIT TOO MUCH

Oy, did I open a can of worms with that last post!

My darling husband reads this blog. As a matter of fact I encourage him to, and he enjoys doing so. He tells me that often my writing here gives him insight into how I am feeling when I am unable to verbalize in conversation. I have found in the past that it has really helped when I don't know how to broach a topic with him. He'll read my posts and say "wow, I didn't realize you felt that way, let's talk a bit about that."

Well, I did not anticipate the reaction I received from The C when he read my plea for IUI, and all your comments on the matter. Rather than him turning to me and saying "Oh honey, now I totally get why you want to do the IUI," and have hearts and roses fall from the sky into my lap, he turned to me and said: "You are so off the mark."

Holy support, batman. Thanks, partner in life, this is totally what I was expecting from you.

Though he refuted all the arguments that I gave in the post, and basically laughed at the support you guys gave me*, when we talked (ahem, argued, cried, etc...) more about the issue I was able to distill that The C believes the following:

-That it is highly likely that we will conceive on our own, if we just give it enough chances
-That he thinks that conceiving in stirrups is wildly unromantic
-That his sperm count is not low at 20 million (like a D- is still a pass on a test)
-That he thinks that my argument that doing IUI this time because it will increase our chances of conception is "flaky" (yes he used the word flaky) at best
-That he thinks that I handle doing my injections pretty well as it doesn't seem to faze me

Now, typing all this makes my husband seem like an asshole with a cherry on top. Hence all the anger in our conversation. Once we calmed down and revisited the issue, I realized that what he really felt was the following:

-That he is not quite ready to give up on a natural conception, but he knows that he has to face the music on this
-That should we move to IUI he will be right there beside me, and he will still be present at our baby's conception
-That he knows how difficult it is for me to shoot up and have my vaj probed
-That his sperm count is normal, because 20 million is still normal (umm, see that one hasn't changed...)

And plus two other big things:

-That he is so very concerned about how I will react should we have another negative cycle. He thinks that if we try naturally I will be less devestated by the outcome than if we invest our all in IUI. This struck me as incredibly sensitive. I think that by him saying that he was worried how I would feel he was also telling me he was worried about how he would feel.

-That The C, who never talks about "plans", and likes to fly by the seat of his pants (ie: why discuss what to make for dinner... let's just wait till we are standing in front of the stove and genius strikes!) actually had a plan in mind when we started this cycle. His plan: one more natural kick at the can (yes that's what all the cool kids call it) before we move on. Plans are great. I just wish he had chosen to discuss the plan he had for us before we embarked on the cycle. When I poked around the question of why on earth he didn't share this plan with me sooner if he felt this way, I was met with a "because you always do what you want anyways." Low blow, but also mostly true.

So. I am not going to do what I want to do. Someone else in this relationship also had a plan. And I'm thankful that he shared it with me so that we could do what works best in a relationship: compromise.

I am hoping beyond hope that we conceive a baby in our bedroom in a moment of extreme passion. And that we don't have to fall back on my plan.





*Please, please, please, with sugar on top do not let this ever discourage you from commenting and being honest with me. This is MY blog, and I need you guys.

ONWARDS AND UPWARDS

Or hopefully onwards and outwards. (As in my belly. And not because I eat too much ice cream.)

Not much to report in the corner of the world occupied by Ms. C and The C. We have started our next cycle. (And by we, I mean we. Because that half tablet of Clomid that The C eats nightly is proving to have no side effects.) So far I have injested 4 days of 5mg of Fe.mara, and have shot up 2 doses of 25IU of Pur.egon.

Not much of a change from last cycle, just a bit of upping of the doses. Last cycle saw 2.5 mg of Fe.mara for 5 days, and 20IU of Pur.egon for 10 days. Then I triggered on CD16.

To make a long story short, TWBD was pleased as punch with my response to the meds last cycle, but is upping the dosage in order to attempt to shorten the cycle. I am satisfied with this.

When I pushed to see whether or not he would recommend IUI this time round, he told us (told being used very losely as this man still does not speak!) that he doesn't see why we would necessarily need to do it, he thinks that we can do it on our own. When pressed further, the nurse told us that if that's what we really want then of course they would not deny us an IUI. In order to not seem too contrary I asked if we can revisit this around the time of trigger, and the nurse and doctor assured me that yes, we can decide then.

The only thing with this IUI/no IUI thing is that I am getting some opposition from The C. Because the doctor says so, my wonderful husband does not see any reason that we should not try naturally (ie: sex) again this cycle. Look, I understand that most couples do not get pregnant their first cycle trying, so I can forgive the fact that we didn't get pregnant last cycle, and I am trying very hard to not blame it on the fact that we just had sex the old fashioned way after all the effort we went to get me to produce follicles and then to ovulate.

BUT. There are a few issues.

The first is that we are not a normal couple trying to conceive normally and naturally. Oh no, we are pretty much well beyond that! Add that to the fact that it is really tough on me taking all these drugs (as someone who is not ordinarily one who takes medication of any sort). And the fact that the meds do funky shit to my body. And that they cost a boatload of cash. And to the time that it takes to go in for all the monitoring appointments. I am by no means an avid economist, but I do understand the notion of return on investment. I am devoting so much financially, emotionally and physically in this project, that I can't help but want to put in that little extra bit in the end (the IUI) to give us the best chances.

I know the bulk of you agree. We have all been through or are going through this. But the questions remains on how I get The C to understand that I want to give us the best chances possible. That this isn't a game. I am prepping myself for two weeks in order to get ready for his sperm, and I don't want to just shoot in the dark. I know it's not romantic. I gave up on the whole idea of romance making a baby about a year ago. What I don't get is how on earth, after all this time, my husband still believes.