LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN...

Yes, my period. (How's that for a mental image... Ok, moving along.)

Finally, FINALLY today is CD2. As much as I hate my period, I think that I have never been so thrilled to have it show up. Someone asked for a cycle update a few weeks back, and, by george, it's about time I gave it to you.

Let's start with a short recap: my last cycle of Fem.ara/Injectibles (but with s.e.x) ended in failure on December 24. My clinic was closed until January 9, at which point I called and was dealt a 2 week prescription of BCP. I injested my birth control (this notion still freaks me out) for two weeks and then waited out the week for my period to arrive. Et voila. She is here. Tomorrow I go in for my CD3 wanding, and (I hope) a meeting with The World's Best Doctor to strategize for this cycle. I am freakin' excited, scared as shit, and hoping beyond belief all at the same time.

And let me state here for the record: I will not tolerate any suggestion of natural baby making. I. WILL. NOT.

Lest you think that I have not been preoccupied with conception matters for the past 6 weeks, allow me to assure you that we have been busy checking out The C. He had a follow-up appointment with the urologist that included a testicular ultrasound. It was interesting to be in an u's room and to be the one wiht the pants on, let me tell you! Dr. C wanted to check for any abnormalities that could have resulted from The C's undescended testicles he had as a child. We were relieved to find everything to be completely normal. Normal is fantastic, but we are left with no explanation for his borderline sperm counts. (His hormone levels came back within normal ranges too.) Dr. C suggested The C try 25mg of Clo.mid for a few months. (That's half a pill a day.) He is to take it for 25 days, then rest for 5 days, and then continue again. Of course if I get pregnant, he doesn't have to continue.

Now I welcome you to the question segment of this post.
Have any of you/your husbands ever taken Clo.mid?
Have you seen a difference in sperm production?
Have you seen any side effects?
Is this a run of the mill treatment?
Have any of you chosen to not take the Clo.mid once it was presribed?

I haven't read anything on anyone's blog about this, so I'm really wondering. Also Dr. Google is being very stingy with his information. Of course there is tons out there for women on Clo.mid, but not so much for men. Finally, if any of you are concerned about The C turning into an evil Clo.mid bitch like we women tend to, don't fret... that hasn't happened yet!

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I just want to take this opportunity to send all of you who commented on my last post tons and tons of hugs and support. Your comments meant so much to me. I loved having this forum where everyone was able to share. It made me feel so much more normal. I am in such good hands here. You guys truly rock. And those of you who stopped in to just lend an empathetic ear, thank you for being here.

I know you're dying for a zit update. It is in the healing stages, just a bit of a dark pink mark left on my face. I find when my period comes my face clears up, so today I have no pussy or crusty zits, just spots that are healing. It is a relief to not have any sports that hurt on my face.

Also, you were all so frank when talking about your PCOS symptoms, that I thought I would share a bit more. My last post really turned into a rant about my face, and lest you think my symptoms end there, allow me to correct you. In addition to my acne and stubborn chin hair, and of course my annovulatory cycles my symptoms are as follows: overweight (though I can't contribute that wholly to PCOS, I must take responsibility for the amount of food I put into my digestive tract), thinning hair on my head (thank goodness I had the thickest hair known to man while growing up, for now my hair appears as normal, though the future scares me), skin tags (which I always thought I had inherited from my grandmother), dark arm hair (I have more than my husband), and a patch of hair on the small of my back. I know: an attractive picture. But that's me.

FUCK YOU, PCOS

Or: You should see the size of this zit on my face.

I don't know why I feel the need to share this with you guys. I have a pimple above my lip to the right that would make a great evil foil to Cindy Crawford's signature mole. Only my puss-filled crusty-topped pocket of disgustingness is situated a little less towards the corner of my mouth, and a triffle more towards the centre. Am I painting a clear enough picture?

I was thinking to post a close-up photo, but decided against it for a variety of reasons. The primary reason is that the batteries in my camera are dead. But even if I was able to get such a delightful shot, I am afraid that posting it (even as a close-up) might compromise my annonymity. Because surely I am the only person on the island of Montreal (yes, Montreal is an island!) that has such an attrocity attached to her face, and if you saw me on the street you would instantly know I was me. Also, I wish not to showcase the other repuslive symptoms of PCOS that display themselves upon my face, namely the wonderous hairs and other pimples in various states of healing. Indeed, my zits like company... I agree that being a lone zit upon a face would be a sad venture. Lastly, actually seeing the zit might cause you to spit up your coffee, or upchuck your lunch, or regurgitate your brekkie all over your keyboard. And I certainly don't want to be responsible for all the damage.

Am I complaining too much? Perhaps so. But I don't think think I have ever used this forum to discuss what PCOS really does to me, other than not let me ovulate. Most days I thank the almighty that I am not one who is overly concerned with my looks. Because if I was I'm certain I would have committed suicide by now. Often I avoid looking at myself too closely in the mirror. I do not want to see all the pimples that cover my face. I do not want to feel ill becasue I have dark hairs sprouting from my chin. I take a grin and bear it attitude and focus on the reason I am subjecting myself to this: so that we can have a baby.

In the grand scheme of IF, the time that we have been trying seems relatively short (18 months). To those who have been trying for 3 years, 4 years, 7 years..., it must seem like I complain alot about how long we have been waiting. For me, not only does every month that goes by signal another month without conception, it indicates another month that I will have to live with the physical manifestations of my PCOS. On days when I can't grin and bear it, when I do look closely in the mirror, when there is a gross pimple that I cannot avoid, when I stop to wonder what my clients are thinking when we are sitting in meetings, I just want to scream FUCK THIS, and go back on the pill and make it all go away. In my 20s I was so sften complimented on my perfect complexion. Now I know that that perfection was horemone-induced, but still some days I want that back.

I know my sympoms are not as bad as they could be. I have read about women who feel they have to shave daily. Perhaps I will look at that as my silver lining: I only ask my husband to tweeze my hairs every week or so. And it's true... I suppose my zits could be worse: they could all be as yucky as the one that instigated my post. And thank goodness I do not feel so down about myself like this everyday, because by god it would be a painful way to live.

I would love to open up my comments today as a place for others to share their symptoms, anger, and ways in which you deal with your PCOS. I would love to hear from you all.

GUESS IT"S ABOUT TIME FOR AN UPDATE, EH?

Egads! Everytime I come to this page so that I can click over to visit you guys I scare myself with how long it's been since I've posted. Fear not, nothing terrible has happened. But nothing too interesting either.

On Monday I was going to make the attempt at writing a completely un-infertility related post. I was going to tell you how hot Jack Bauer makes me, and how thrilled I am to be watching a new season of the hottest dude on tv. Man, the season premier filled me with four wonderful hours of lust. Turning all jiggly here just thinking about it. What does The C think of this rediculous behaviour? You should hear how he purrs when Kim comes on the screen!

Wow. Glad I didn't waste a whole entry talking about that!

Last week, after I exhibited my wares and pimped my product at another trade show, I was going to rant about the attendees of said show. There's not much point in hinding what I do, so let me tell you about the show. I work in the wedding industry, and thus was exhibiting at a bridal show. All the visiotrs were brides and their entourages. Fun! you might say. And it is. Except that in Quebec couples tend to cohabitate and procreate before they get married. Which in theory I do not have a problem with. I am beyond totally fine with this idea, as a matter of fact. But spending two days smiling cheerfully and discussing my products to countless pregnant brides is not what I would call a good time.

(Of ocurse there are plenty of non-pregnant, non-infant-toting brides too. And those invariably are the ones who end up interested in my product. I have yet to sign a client who is pregnant. It is my belief that this is so because I sell a very high-end product, and anyone in their right mind who is expecting would not spend money on such an item. Or maybe it's the vibe I give off...)

Again, not such an interesting topic.

I could make an excuse that I haven't posted in so long because my phone has been ringing off the hook, and I am working like a semi-lunatic. It has, and I have, but it's really not the reason for not posting. (After here I am posting now while the work sits to my left piling and piling.)

People, I'm not quite sure what it is. It could be that nothing much is going on on the cycle front. Do you want an update of that? Leave me a comment, and I would be happy to oblidge. After I pull the pickle from my ass.


PS: While away in my not blagging regularly world, Manuela seems to have gone password protected. Can someone tell me how I can get in touch with her? Thks!

OH! IT'S 2007?

For the past week or so I have been pondering and over-pondering what I would write for this monumental first post of the New Year. The truth is that I don't feel anything monumental at all. Today, the fourth day after the start of 2007, feels just like any other day.

The whole Christmas and New Years thing has never been significant to me. I don't celebrate the birth of Christ, and my New Year celebration falls sometime in September. Don't get me wrong, it's great to have a couple of daysoff to spend with The C: time to relax and reconnect. We're not party animals, so often the evening of December 31 unfolds just like any other weekend night. We have fun, and are in bed before midnight.

(More significant is my birthday which falls between the two holidays. On this day I often take a bit of time for private reflection. In the past few year I have found that I also take a moment to think about my parents and their excitement that they must have felt on the day I was born, as well as the hard work that my mother put in to bring me into the world. Perhaps it is because my birthday falls at the end of the December that I don't find the start of a new year a momentous time for resolutions and reflections.)

I haven't made any resolutions. My hopes and dreams have not changed since last week, last month, or in the last 17 months. 2006 was not the best year in my life. I struggled with things that I never thought I would have to deal with in a million years. But today I am still having the same struggles. I've said it before, and I will say it again: I am a realist. Realistically speaking I will not bring a baby into my home in 2007. For that I would have to conceive in my next cycle, and well, we all know the chances of a positive outcome...

January 1 marked the start of our 17th month of trying to conceive. Each start of a new month adds another notch in that belt, and I so wish it weren't so. I can't help thinking that if everything had gone as planned we would be holding a 5 month old baby in our arms. (I can do the math... 17-9=8, but let's face it, it could take three months...) It's amazing to me that it can easily be 17+ months before our dreams come true. No matter where I am in my cycle, where we are in the year, where I am in my life, I am consumed with my infertility. There's nothing new and exciting about IF this year, it's still the disgusting fart stinking up my life.

At the risk of being a complete downer about the new year, I can say that 2006 was certainly not the worst of my 32 years. There were highlights, and many things that I am thankful for.

This is as good a time as any (and I will try to do so regularly, because it's just a kind thing to do,) to wish you all much health and happiness, and dreams that come true. Though I don't know most of you personally, you are all important to me and I hold you in a special place in my heart.

C'mon 2007, hit me with your best shot!